Goodnight Emerald, see you in April

Today was closing day at Emerald Downs. Part of me is sad, because I love emerald very much and had many great memories there this summer, but of course part of me is thrilled because it means PM is only 8 days away. I was so fortunate to get to call at Emerald on a few different days this year, and what an honor it is. The place is very special to me. So many days spent there. When my dad was sick, we spent Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday there, and he passed away on that next Tuesday. He is buried on Scenic Hill which is just northeast of Emerald and you can stand next to his headstone and see the track. I like that i can look from the Emerald announcers booth with my binoculars and see his patch of grass. I've always said my dream is to someday call at Emerald, and who knows, someday it may happen, and it very well may not. But just getting the opportunity to call there this season was very special to me. Thank you Emerald, goodnight.

We're getting close

We're getting so close to live racing returning and I can't wait. Some of my favorite times in life have been spent up atop the roof at Portland Meadows. There is a tranquil feeling upstairs, alone, the window open, the horses warming up for the last race on a tuesday in december, the sun has fallen, and there is just quiet. I love that. Racing at PM is so much fun. I really do love it. I know it's not the derby, or the preakness, or Saratoga, but it is so important to so many people here. And it's only 10 days away. I can't wait!

back to blogging season

With the Portland Meadows season nearing (2.5 weeks) i promise that the blogging will be atleast a twice a week if not more endeavor. So much has happened this summer, much of which has prevented me from blogging. I've been keeping a personal journal as a homework assignment so obviously i've gotten to do most of my venting through that. But i love doing this, so i'm going to really try to make it a regular habit. This summer i've admitted has sucked, in many respects. For some reason the summer is always the toughest for me in terms of anxiety and depression. it got really bad around the end of July, again always seems to center around the time of my dad's death. So hopefully by next year i'll have figured out how to better deal with it LOL But i've spent a lot of time working on things and on myself. I've changed my eating habits, worked on doing all the basic things that help me feel good (meditation, relaxation, exercise, laughter and reaching out to friends) One thing that I sometimes forget is how many wonderful people i have in my life, and i think it's important to remind myself that i'm not alone, that i'm not a failure, that people do like me, and that I am not the ugly person that I tell myself I am. My mother, as always has always been there for me and always will be. To her I owe everything. I can't say anymore than that because it would trivialize how amazing she is. My boss Will has always been so great and supportive to me in my career and to him I am very thankful. I cannot think of anyone I would rather work for. I have not been open to alot of my friends about these problems, but even though I am not open that I wasn't doing well, somehow many of them still reach out and show their support, even without knowing something is wrong. For me, the hardest part of my depression has always been my image of myself. In my heart I know i'm a good person, and I would whole heartedly think, that most people I interact with in life would tell you the same thing. But for some reason, i've never been able to shake that little voice in the back of my head that says "your ugly" "your fat" "your no good" "no woman would ever want to marry you" "you don't deserve to be loved" And most of the time I can shake that, but many times it wins. It's amazing how so often the bad stuff we say about ourselves is so much easier to believe than the good stuff. But all that aside, again, i've learned from these hard times. I'll continue to learn from these hard times. These problems will not be cured today, tomorrow, a year from now or ten years from now. They will always be there. But the key for me is to simply allow them to be there, but not to believe them. To believe in my core that I am good. That I am a good person. That I can love people, and they can love me. I'm closing in on 30 years old, and if there is one thing i'm determined of, it's that when i look back on my 30's, I will say "that was a great time in my life, and many great things happened, and there are so many more great things to come." Because as I sit and look back at my 20's, while many great things have happened, those rays of sunshine are blocked by dark clouds. But mind you, Those clouds will move on, and I will once again, love the summertime of my life. Cool Runnings to all

summer is ending

Summer is winding down, and to be honest, i'm really glad to see it go. I never thought i'd say that, but this summer, again to be honest, was a nightmare on many levels. mostly just those same old demons of anxiety and depression. I'm still optimistic that i will beat these same old friends. I say friends, because there has been nobody or nothing closer to me than my anxiety. my bad thoughts. They are always there, sometimes they go away for a while, but they always lurk. I do feel i'm learning some great skills at mastering my thoughts and working to keep them on the straight and narrow. They have cost me so much, and hopefully someday i'll look back and laugh and look at all this as just a test, but for now, i guess it's like they say in AA, one day at a time.

quick note

Well the last month and a half or so has brought about many changes, many ups, more downs, but still optimism. I promise i'll bring light upon them sooner than later. Still just working on a lot of stuff and one of my tasks in doing so is journaling, so i've been doing all my writing in my journal instead of here. But as we get close to the season i'll be writing on here alot more.

My least favorite day of the year

Today is always no contest, my least favorite day of the year. It was 8 years ago today, actually 8 years ago from about 20 minutes from now that my dad passed away. However, the thing i do like about this day is that I think of him. I remember good times, and try to forget how sick he was. But i can't help but miss him. I'm saddest that he's not here to talk to, to BS with, or just to listen to him complain LOL I will always be sad that if i ever get married or ever get to call a really important race, that he wont be here to see it. It's like a punch in the stomach. So many things have changed since he left, some for the good, many for the bad. I know I miss him still, and I know that will never go away. I love you dad, I miss you so much. I hope that I will make you proud

Monday

I've had a pretty laid back day (shocking i know) went and visited with my mom at her work, came back and went for a swim in her pool, and just watched the Barbaro documentary that was on HBO. I was not a Barbaro fan, strictly because i didn't bet him LOL But looking back, he was a pretty cool animal and powerfully talented. Sometimes I need a little jolt about racing to remember why I love it so much, and right this moment, i'm really feeling good about it. Gretchen Jackson who was one of Barbaro's said something that i really liked at the end. "Part of Loving is pain. And even though loving can be painful sometimes, its always worth it" Very very true, in all aspects of life.